I stand here broken

I have officially reached my breaking point with the stress, and the money issues and whatever else is going on in my life. not a violet snap but a sigh and shrugged shoulders. I really don't think I have ever felt so helpless and not in control of my own situation. we have gone from getting by on a single income and a full time student to me making roughly 40% of what we are used to living on. It'll take us a while to get things in order but we are pretty sure we will sell the house shortly. chances are it wont sell for a while or it wont sell for near what we need to break even...sign o the times. while I continue to fire off applications blindly into the dark the bills keep backing up and the money isn't raining from the skies. the money isn't even trickling in. Mind you that while I am exhausting nearly every option available to me when it comes to finding work in a field related to what I do and what I do well, but I am also sending off applications to Wal mart, local factories and shops that pay just a bit above minimum wage.

I feel like this is just the beginning, and I am sure in the end we will acclimate ourselves to the way of things, most likely living in an apartment, no room to grow or express myself, no tall bikes, no giant metal robots, no crazy creations. for me it will be a prison, and one of self sacrifice i suppose. that makes it worth it, knowing that my family is taken care of. Another thing I am counting on is being able to use my skills and talents again the way they were meant to be used, and hopefully the money that comes along with it. the important thing here is that i will have learned an important lesson. you can damn well bet that I wont get caught with my pants down and no pot to piss in again. I'll sacrifice to keep going and I'll be afraid to have fun in fear of the future

that makes me think though. long time ago there was this royal family. they so loved their son that they wanted him to never know poverty, or famine, death disease or the weakness that comes with old age. whenever he would parade through town his parents would have the guards empty the streets of all the old, and diseased and the poor. all he know for the longest time was youth and beauty. I cant remember the details but one time he ended up running into this old sick man begging in the streets, having only known people as young and beautiful this deeply troubled him. he left his kingdom, his wife and his child and sought out searching for true enlightenment. many years later hanging out under a tree he found his enlightment and the man we now know as the modern buddha became.

the little story makes me wonder how all of this will affect the kids. I have worked my ass off to provide for my family and give my kids the things I always wanted growing up, things they have wanted within reason. with the house goes the outside fort, and the big yard, all the fun we could have in our own little world. I know its not like that to them, and we'll have our memories and all that sentimental jazz to go with it but it's really got me down. I just wish there were some other way. I'm open to suggestions...anyone?

all the hard work and effort. sold off bottom dollar just to save our asses.